There were two chapters on Love....actually I'm pretty sure there were more than that...but I just read two.
Both named "Love"
both with different subtitles.
How to really love other people
- so I think my problem doesn't really lay here. I think I might actually love other people a little too much. I'm even getting better at it lately.
My problem is with myself...so I get to the next chapter:
How to really love yourself:
oh how wonderfully fitting.
"I never for a second felt like I was worthy of anybody's compliments"
Sorry, but I feel like this on a daily basis.
It might just be the whole "depression state" that kills me, but whenever someone says anything complimentary to me I just think in my head "hahaha omg you're so wrong"
I don't know why I do it, I just don't like myself....and I don't understand why people like me, and sometimes I wish they didn't (in fact I've had this feeling a lot lately)
I try not to let it affect how I act with other people, because to me so many people are so much better than I am, in fact it kind of inspires me to be a better person- though I never feel like I can be.
Don has this problem where he needs affection.
I have this problem where I don't think I deserve it, but I give it out like it is my darhma. (if I was hindu that would be a good one, but I'm not...so I'll just say life duty)
I have this problem more with God....his love is so great...too great for me I feel, but here it is. I don't think my problems is wanting more affection from other people, in fact I wish that would stop because it is horribly distracting. I just need to accept God's affection and start letting it reflect in myself.
.....I have no idea how to do this. It is hard for me to comprehend it even..the thought of allowing that.
I don't hate myself, I just think I am so unworthy of everything-- because I am.
....I don't know how to change this
\: crap.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Questions smeshtions
I'm pretty sure Worship was the shortest chapter, and I highlighted a whole friggin bunch...
then I accidentally kept reading and so I had to make myself stop and go back and read again so I can figure stuff out.
I'm starting to be okay with the whole "you're never going to understand this"....
first of all- God is too great to fully understand, I'm fine with that. I'd rather him be that than something I can comprehend. ...it is like the mystic part to faith, you have to have it or there is nothing to strive to believe in. If I know all of the answers then what is the point?
I want to be inspired to believe in something, having questions is good- within reason....too many questions on my part was kind of messing things up for me.
I'm learning the good amount- I like it this way best anyway.
now- the last bit of the chapter I never got a chance to read.
Don makes a dead poets society reference: blah blah blah "poetry is not algebra, not songs on American Bandstand that can be rated on a scale from one to ten, but rather they are pieces of art that plunge the depths of the heart to stir vigor in young men and woo women"
...Too much of our time is spent trying to chart God on a grid, and too little is spent allowing our hearts to feel awe.
^^^ accepting that I wont fully get God is fantastic, I am perfectly okay with that. Finally.
"There are things you cannot understand, and you must learn to live with this. Not only must you learn to live with this, you must learn to enjoy this"
I pretty much got smacked with this realization after reading the next two chapters- but coming back and seeing what I had highlighted and thought while I was reading helped me to get all of this a lot easier.
then I accidentally kept reading and so I had to make myself stop and go back and read again so I can figure stuff out.
I'm starting to be okay with the whole "you're never going to understand this"....
first of all- God is too great to fully understand, I'm fine with that. I'd rather him be that than something I can comprehend. ...it is like the mystic part to faith, you have to have it or there is nothing to strive to believe in. If I know all of the answers then what is the point?
I want to be inspired to believe in something, having questions is good- within reason....too many questions on my part was kind of messing things up for me.
I'm learning the good amount- I like it this way best anyway.
now- the last bit of the chapter I never got a chance to read.
Don makes a dead poets society reference: blah blah blah "poetry is not algebra, not songs on American Bandstand that can be rated on a scale from one to ten, but rather they are pieces of art that plunge the depths of the heart to stir vigor in young men and woo women"
...Too much of our time is spent trying to chart God on a grid, and too little is spent allowing our hearts to feel awe.
^^^ accepting that I wont fully get God is fantastic, I am perfectly okay with that. Finally.
"There are things you cannot understand, and you must learn to live with this. Not only must you learn to live with this, you must learn to enjoy this"
I pretty much got smacked with this realization after reading the next two chapters- but coming back and seeing what I had highlighted and thought while I was reading helped me to get all of this a lot easier.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Apologies
....if anyone still reads this blog- sorry I have taken so long to get to the last few chapters.
I literally have 30 pages left to read.
I just don't have the book right now :\
it'll happen :)
soon.
I literally have 30 pages left to read.
I just don't have the book right now :\
it'll happen :)
soon.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Stare At The Sun
So, one of the hardest things for me to accept is not fully grasping things.
....Oh man I don't ever make sense.
In any case, I mean to say- I need to stop being uncomfortable with not understanding the fullness of God- because I never will.
Funny, as I was reading this chapter I was listening to Mutemath, their song "Stare At The Sun" has a line in it:
"Maybe we don't need to know any more than we have to- and we stare at the sun, but we never see anything there"
We have to understand God is that he is love, he is good, he knows everything, and he is all and in all.
That is enough to keep our hearts on him.
I was talking to some friends about this and asked how they are comfortable with the idea of not fully knowing everything about God- because to me that is a hard thing to accept. One friend said "It's comforting knowing that God knows everything, so I don't have to"
If I think about it that way- it is kind of peaceful. He is taking care of things- I don't need to, I just need to obey him.
... Literally I feel like there is a weight that's been lifted from my chest.
Anxiety is a big thing I struggle with- I worry about almost everything that I can.
I realize how ridiculous this is- recently I've been pretty good about noticing it...I just have to learn to accept things and be okay.
That is probably going to be the hardest thing for me to overcome.
....Oh man I don't ever make sense.
In any case, I mean to say- I need to stop being uncomfortable with not understanding the fullness of God- because I never will.
Funny, as I was reading this chapter I was listening to Mutemath, their song "Stare At The Sun" has a line in it:
"Maybe we don't need to know any more than we have to- and we stare at the sun, but we never see anything there"
We have to understand God is that he is love, he is good, he knows everything, and he is all and in all.
That is enough to keep our hearts on him.
I was talking to some friends about this and asked how they are comfortable with the idea of not fully knowing everything about God- because to me that is a hard thing to accept. One friend said "It's comforting knowing that God knows everything, so I don't have to"
If I think about it that way- it is kind of peaceful. He is taking care of things- I don't need to, I just need to obey him.
... Literally I feel like there is a weight that's been lifted from my chest.
Anxiety is a big thing I struggle with- I worry about almost everything that I can.
I realize how ridiculous this is- recently I've been pretty good about noticing it...I just have to learn to accept things and be okay.
That is probably going to be the hardest thing for me to overcome.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Really Fast....it's 8am
If anyone reads this and prays- pray for me to have peace of mind.
There is a lot of intense stuff going on in my life- I feel like I'm going to lose it.
I know I wont, but the feeling alone hurts.
....I only have a few chapters left to read- I'm trying to put it off.
I love this book- I don't want it to end.
iit's one of THOSE books.
There is a lot of intense stuff going on in my life- I feel like I'm going to lose it.
I know I wont, but the feeling alone hurts.
....I only have a few chapters left to read- I'm trying to put it off.
I love this book- I don't want it to end.
iit's one of THOSE books.
Friday, March 2, 2012
Being alone isn't possible
So, this chapter couldn't have come at a better time.
I normally read in my room, or the library, or starbucks...with no one else around that I can talk to or get distracted with.
So, I am kind of alone- but I don't feel alone.
Today- I was alone. I was completely and utterly alone.
I had some image testing done for some stuff, and it is always scary- but this time I went in thinking "it is never anything bad- so it wont be this time, I'm fine- the doctor just wants to recheck everything"
Today one of the images was really weird. The shape was off, and that isn't normal.
I've never noticed it before- and we never looked at the side it was on because I've never had problems in the past.
So today, I was scared. Then they told me I had to wait. I was in a huge room, by myself, for an hour.
All I had was my journal and blue like jazz.
I'm so glad.
This chapter is literally titled Alone (and the chapter after is community, then money- I read all three while I was waiting for my images to be checked)...two of them kinda fit together (alone and community)
....Before I started to read I was feeling totally alone and scared- I couldn't talk to anyone except my notebook.
After I read for a little I started laughing to myself- I was in my own personal hell- being alone.
I am going to shorten this a lot....simple and good.
God made us to interact with each other, we cannot live correctly without being able to do so.
God is love.
God shows us his love in the people he places in our lives, in the people we interact with.
We need interaction with other people to be mentally healthy, physically, emotionally....(think about it....okay)
So- ..transitive a little bit----- we need love. or we cannot survive in this world.
Being alone is impossible because you can't see that love by yourself.
....the end.
Also- the community chapter had a basis in this- along with my whole interactions/actions thing. I'm trying to work on.
Also--- I need to be more selfless
"If we are not willing to wake up in the morning and die to ourselves, perhaps we should ask ourselves whether or not we are really following Jesus."
..... Give your whole self away- it isn't yours anyway.
(only in good ways...please...lol)
Yeah- this chapter was perfect timing. Every chapter seems to be perfect timing.
Also- the lady in the room next to me found out she was having a son...which was pretty adorable to hear her reaction.
I am still scared- but I'm going to be okay. I am not alone. I have love.
I normally read in my room, or the library, or starbucks...with no one else around that I can talk to or get distracted with.
So, I am kind of alone- but I don't feel alone.
Today- I was alone. I was completely and utterly alone.
I had some image testing done for some stuff, and it is always scary- but this time I went in thinking "it is never anything bad- so it wont be this time, I'm fine- the doctor just wants to recheck everything"
Today one of the images was really weird. The shape was off, and that isn't normal.
I've never noticed it before- and we never looked at the side it was on because I've never had problems in the past.
So today, I was scared. Then they told me I had to wait. I was in a huge room, by myself, for an hour.
All I had was my journal and blue like jazz.
I'm so glad.
This chapter is literally titled Alone (and the chapter after is community, then money- I read all three while I was waiting for my images to be checked)...two of them kinda fit together (alone and community)
....Before I started to read I was feeling totally alone and scared- I couldn't talk to anyone except my notebook.
After I read for a little I started laughing to myself- I was in my own personal hell- being alone.
I am going to shorten this a lot....simple and good.
God made us to interact with each other, we cannot live correctly without being able to do so.
God is love.
God shows us his love in the people he places in our lives, in the people we interact with.
We need interaction with other people to be mentally healthy, physically, emotionally....(think about it....okay)
So- ..transitive a little bit----- we need love. or we cannot survive in this world.
Being alone is impossible because you can't see that love by yourself.
....the end.
Also- the community chapter had a basis in this- along with my whole interactions/actions thing. I'm trying to work on.
Also--- I need to be more selfless
"If we are not willing to wake up in the morning and die to ourselves, perhaps we should ask ourselves whether or not we are really following Jesus."
..... Give your whole self away- it isn't yours anyway.
(only in good ways...please...lol)
Yeah- this chapter was perfect timing. Every chapter seems to be perfect timing.
Also- the lady in the room next to me found out she was having a son...which was pretty adorable to hear her reaction.
I am still scared- but I'm going to be okay. I am not alone. I have love.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Can I have this chance to be your little Romance?
I'm pretty sure I have not laughed so hard- for quite some time.
Lemme tell you, this was one dang stressful week.
....it's been an emotional hurricane....with 100 foot waves smacking me in the face left and right.
I am SO glad I made it to this chapter today.
13- Romance: Meeting Girls is Easy.
I am going to try to relay as many of my thoughts as I can- but I wrote five pages in my notebook, which is the most I've written on any of the chapters.
He starts off talking about his different friends- and their views on dating/relationships...I kinda just chuckled at every single one and how ridiculous they were especially the
"I know you shouldn't make fun of a girl on a date and you shouldn't eat spaghetti"
---I love spaghetti, so I guess dating is out of the question for me.. :(
DIGRESS.... pretty much, the importance of a healthy relationship was discussed in this chapter.
I've come to realize, this is a lot more important than I've ever thought about. Looking back- I suck at this.
"...though we had everything in common we could not connect in the soul"
^
Wow, just that statement alone is SO important to understand, like REALLY understand. It doesn't matter how much you and your significant other like pizza and chapstick and watching clouds- if you guys can't connect on a spiritual level, you're doomed. Or at least, doomed to not be as happy and healthy as you possibly could be.
*This entire post is my opinion and what I've taken from the chapter...just like every single other post I've made. If you don't agree, read the chapter yourself and form your own opinions :D
Okay, so anyway. The idea of marriage to me- it is so beautiful. Not the whole "oh white wedding dress, get married, have flowers in your hair" ...I mean the idea, that for the rest of your life- you get to spend every single day with the one other person on this earth that knows you better than anyone else (on this world)...and still accepts you for you. You can completely be yourself, and they can do the same..and you love them anyway, and they love you...
How lucky am I going to be one day?
To find one other human that I can connect with on a million different levels, someone that will help me grow, and will support my very being, and God's love for me will be reflected in so much what he does.......like...alskdjfhas AHH my mind is blown.
Okay, so- towards the end he talks about how you learn how you are lovable from other people. The love that his friend has in his marriage helps his friend to better interact with God- because he can see that love that God has for him through his wife...pretty much...okay...I totally agree with that.
My only thing is (and I wrote this in my notebook) ...Shouldn't you see God's love in yourself first...as completely as you can?
I feel like you can't really fully see God's love in someone else until you see God's love in your own heart.
Now, maybe I'm wrong...I'm sure I could see God's love in other people when I didn't really accept his love in my life.
But still...I can see it so much better now that I am starting to embrace the love (that makes me sound like a hippie...yesssssss)
Maybe I'm just being selfish, but...I am getting that much from this chapter
I need to have God's love in my heart to start REALLY seeing it in others, his love teaches me how to love, and how to accept love.
Also, one day- when I get married...it is going to be awesome (hopefully) ...
This chapter cheered me up a lot, today was rough...I needed a hug, verbal hug from blue like jazz? perfection.
Lemme tell you, this was one dang stressful week.
....it's been an emotional hurricane....with 100 foot waves smacking me in the face left and right.
I am SO glad I made it to this chapter today.
13- Romance: Meeting Girls is Easy.
I am going to try to relay as many of my thoughts as I can- but I wrote five pages in my notebook, which is the most I've written on any of the chapters.
He starts off talking about his different friends- and their views on dating/relationships...I kinda just chuckled at every single one and how ridiculous they were especially the
"I know you shouldn't make fun of a girl on a date and you shouldn't eat spaghetti"
---I love spaghetti, so I guess dating is out of the question for me.. :(
DIGRESS.... pretty much, the importance of a healthy relationship was discussed in this chapter.
I've come to realize, this is a lot more important than I've ever thought about. Looking back- I suck at this.
"...though we had everything in common we could not connect in the soul"
^
Wow, just that statement alone is SO important to understand, like REALLY understand. It doesn't matter how much you and your significant other like pizza and chapstick and watching clouds- if you guys can't connect on a spiritual level, you're doomed. Or at least, doomed to not be as happy and healthy as you possibly could be.
*This entire post is my opinion and what I've taken from the chapter...just like every single other post I've made. If you don't agree, read the chapter yourself and form your own opinions :D
Okay, so anyway. The idea of marriage to me- it is so beautiful. Not the whole "oh white wedding dress, get married, have flowers in your hair" ...I mean the idea, that for the rest of your life- you get to spend every single day with the one other person on this earth that knows you better than anyone else (on this world)...and still accepts you for you. You can completely be yourself, and they can do the same..and you love them anyway, and they love you...
How lucky am I going to be one day?
To find one other human that I can connect with on a million different levels, someone that will help me grow, and will support my very being, and God's love for me will be reflected in so much what he does.......like...alskdjfhas AHH my mind is blown.
Okay, so- towards the end he talks about how you learn how you are lovable from other people. The love that his friend has in his marriage helps his friend to better interact with God- because he can see that love that God has for him through his wife...pretty much...okay...I totally agree with that.
My only thing is (and I wrote this in my notebook) ...Shouldn't you see God's love in yourself first...as completely as you can?
I feel like you can't really fully see God's love in someone else until you see God's love in your own heart.
Now, maybe I'm wrong...I'm sure I could see God's love in other people when I didn't really accept his love in my life.
But still...I can see it so much better now that I am starting to embrace the love (that makes me sound like a hippie...yesssssss)
Maybe I'm just being selfish, but...I am getting that much from this chapter
I need to have God's love in my heart to start REALLY seeing it in others, his love teaches me how to love, and how to accept love.
Also, one day- when I get married...it is going to be awesome (hopefully) ...
This chapter cheered me up a lot, today was rough...I needed a hug, verbal hug from blue like jazz? perfection.
I need my community.
I don't really mean literally, but I kinda do I guess.
I talked with my friend about this on Sunday, although I grew up in the church that I was (at the time) standing in, it wasn't where my heart was.
I don't know where my heart is.
I need to find out what church I can go to- and actually grow in.
I need to get over my problems with fabic, because- that isn't fair.
Okay...that was short...sorry, but it was as simple as that.
I talked with my friend about this on Sunday, although I grew up in the church that I was (at the time) standing in, it wasn't where my heart was.
I don't know where my heart is.
I need to find out what church I can go to- and actually grow in.
I need to get over my problems with fabic, because- that isn't fair.
Okay...that was short...sorry, but it was as simple as that.
I don't know what to take away.- 11
For the first time reading this book, I have no idea what I'm supposed to get from this chapter.
He talks about "coming out of the closet" in a religious way...they (his friends and himself) apologized to the non-Christian members of the school they went to--and people really loved that.
They apologized for everything Christians had ever done wrong, and everything they professed but didn't live.
.....I am kinda mad at myself right now.
I don't know what to say. My mind isn't working...I am going to try to read this chapter again
I hope it works...
I just can't think.
___________________________________
...seriously, I don't get it.
I still need to work on coming out of my spiritual closet I guess. I talk to everyone about it now
I think- my thing is- no one will talk back.
and today someone even shut me down about it.
I think that is really affecting me. Like- I am mentally distressed. no lie.
Why is it so hard for us to talk about what is on our hearts? What is in our minds? Why do we fight everything that is difficult? We just keep passing through life like it is our little gift and we can do whatever we want.
We can't, this isn't how life works- sorry. I'm learning this. You have HUGE consequences when you live your life how you want to.
..Wimps. We are wimps.
I am a wimp.
Hiding and pretending there isn't something bigger than you isn't possible. Eventually you realize this.
Sorry, there is no way that humans are just here and we have just always been here- that we came from some explosion in the galaxy and all of humankind grew from an Amoeba ....
Now, believe what you want, but I think there is something greater than us out there.
In my heart-- I cannot get it out of my mind--- in my shell of a stupid human flawed body, I know....there is something bigger than me.
I don't think any of this was talked about in the chapter...I just can't get it off of my mind, I'm so frustrated today...I'm not trying to force anything on anyone, understand that if you don't get anything else please.....I'm doing this for me, I want to know..I need to know that I have faith and meaning for something.
I don't get it. I will never get it. I will never understand anything-- only that I am here, I am doing what is placed on my heart...as best as I can, and I feel like I'm always going to fail at it, and yet, even though I suck, I will still be loved.
I don't deserve this. He is too good for me.
He talks about "coming out of the closet" in a religious way...they (his friends and himself) apologized to the non-Christian members of the school they went to--and people really loved that.
They apologized for everything Christians had ever done wrong, and everything they professed but didn't live.
.....I am kinda mad at myself right now.
I don't know what to say. My mind isn't working...I am going to try to read this chapter again
I hope it works...
I just can't think.
___________________________________
...seriously, I don't get it.
I still need to work on coming out of my spiritual closet I guess. I talk to everyone about it now
I think- my thing is- no one will talk back.
and today someone even shut me down about it.
I think that is really affecting me. Like- I am mentally distressed. no lie.
Why is it so hard for us to talk about what is on our hearts? What is in our minds? Why do we fight everything that is difficult? We just keep passing through life like it is our little gift and we can do whatever we want.
We can't, this isn't how life works- sorry. I'm learning this. You have HUGE consequences when you live your life how you want to.
..Wimps. We are wimps.
I am a wimp.
Hiding and pretending there isn't something bigger than you isn't possible. Eventually you realize this.
Sorry, there is no way that humans are just here and we have just always been here- that we came from some explosion in the galaxy and all of humankind grew from an Amoeba ....
Now, believe what you want, but I think there is something greater than us out there.
In my heart-- I cannot get it out of my mind--- in my shell of a stupid human flawed body, I know....there is something bigger than me.
I don't think any of this was talked about in the chapter...I just can't get it off of my mind, I'm so frustrated today...I'm not trying to force anything on anyone, understand that if you don't get anything else please.....I'm doing this for me, I want to know..I need to know that I have faith and meaning for something.
I don't get it. I will never get it. I will never understand anything-- only that I am here, I am doing what is placed on my heart...as best as I can, and I feel like I'm always going to fail at it, and yet, even though I suck, I will still be loved.
I don't deserve this. He is too good for me.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
U MAD BRO?
Okay, so I just had to talk to my friend about something, the problem wasn't really resolved....and this is a major thing in my life right now...so I went to write in my notebook about how I was feeling (even though I need to study)
and kept having this feeling like "oh, maybe I should pray and things might be resolved in my mind, something could be brought to light- at the very least I could find some peace"
So, I prayed....or talked out loud to God...
I felt so stupid, because in the end I'm pretty sure all that happened was my sister thought I was crazy saying "Okay, what do you want me to do? I am so confused and lost"
....Prayer is sometimes where I start to doubt God, I know that is RIDICULOUS of me, but seriously...a lot of times prayers go unanswered...thinking now after typing that, maybe to me they seem that way, but maybe God just answers them in a different way than I was expecting.
I DIGRESS.
anyway, So I wrote down pretty much that God didn't say anything, I still feel uneasy, maybe I need to pray harder..even though I am pretty sure I can't do anything else. I think prayer is crazy.
I think I'm crazy.
Jesus was crazy.
All Christians are crazy it seems.
I think that's a big thing about why people don't like Christians. We are crazy. I mean, to people of little or no faith- we are psycho.
Most of the time, people aren't happy when you say "I'm a Christian" if you say I'm a Christian.
Then again, if I am talking to someone and I say "Well, I'm bipolar....blahblahblah" they give me a horrid look like "oh man, this is one crazy girl, I am not going to talk to her"
But, being Bipolar isn't something I can change. It is who I am.
Just like being a Christian now- ("it is no more possible to wake up and want out of a marriage than it is to stop believing in God") - is who I am.
This is who I am, I don't doubt that I'm bipolar, I figured out how to accept it and live with it.
I need to stop doubting my faith in my head.
Jeeze, I think I say this every time I post.
Doubting the power of God through prayer- I'm being ridiculous. Prayer is part of being a Christian, accept it Michelle, learn to love it. Learn that God does things in his own way, even if I don't see it.
...okay, I feel a lot more peace now that I figured that out...
I'm crazy, I am a crazy bipolar Christian. Get at me.
and kept having this feeling like "oh, maybe I should pray and things might be resolved in my mind, something could be brought to light- at the very least I could find some peace"
So, I prayed....or talked out loud to God...
I felt so stupid, because in the end I'm pretty sure all that happened was my sister thought I was crazy saying "Okay, what do you want me to do? I am so confused and lost"
....Prayer is sometimes where I start to doubt God, I know that is RIDICULOUS of me, but seriously...a lot of times prayers go unanswered...thinking now after typing that, maybe to me they seem that way, but maybe God just answers them in a different way than I was expecting.
I DIGRESS.
anyway, So I wrote down pretty much that God didn't say anything, I still feel uneasy, maybe I need to pray harder..even though I am pretty sure I can't do anything else. I think prayer is crazy.
I think I'm crazy.
Jesus was crazy.
All Christians are crazy it seems.
I think that's a big thing about why people don't like Christians. We are crazy. I mean, to people of little or no faith- we are psycho.
Most of the time, people aren't happy when you say "I'm a Christian" if you say I'm a Christian.
Then again, if I am talking to someone and I say "Well, I'm bipolar....blahblahblah" they give me a horrid look like "oh man, this is one crazy girl, I am not going to talk to her"
But, being Bipolar isn't something I can change. It is who I am.
Just like being a Christian now- ("it is no more possible to wake up and want out of a marriage than it is to stop believing in God") - is who I am.
This is who I am, I don't doubt that I'm bipolar, I figured out how to accept it and live with it.
I need to stop doubting my faith in my head.
Jeeze, I think I say this every time I post.
Doubting the power of God through prayer- I'm being ridiculous. Prayer is part of being a Christian, accept it Michelle, learn to love it. Learn that God does things in his own way, even if I don't see it.
...okay, I feel a lot more peace now that I figured that out...
I'm crazy, I am a crazy bipolar Christian. Get at me.
Smack my head
I read two more sentences, I learned again.
I am currently uncontrollably laughing at myself.
Tutu's last text to me was
"You know all the right answers, you just need to walk the talk- and I believe you can :) "
....The I read
"What I believe is not what I believe, what I believe is what I do"
(one second, I'm going to finish this chapter before I publish this post)
Woah....smh smh smh
Or as my friend Zack would say "Saturday Moose Hat"
So, I need to think about this on this level:
Living for something is the hard thing- we live for what we believe.
My friend on twitter last night made a post
"I want something good to die for, to make it beautiful to live"
I'm pretty sure I read it four times and still had a confused look on my face... I just didn't really get the concept.
Reading this chapter I get it.
What would you die for?
Live what you believe.
Walk the talk.
I am learning to believe better things, I am learning not to be passionate about empty things.
When you die, make it good- make your life worth something, believe something full. Be passionate.
Now, I just have to do it...yet again.
4) Learn how to trust, so I can love
5) walk the talk-- be passionate about what I believe. Don't have empty beliefs.
I want something good to die for, to make it beautiful to live.
-how amazing would that be? How amazing is it?
I am currently uncontrollably laughing at myself.
Tutu's last text to me was
"You know all the right answers, you just need to walk the talk- and I believe you can :) "
....The I read
"What I believe is not what I believe, what I believe is what I do"
(one second, I'm going to finish this chapter before I publish this post)
Woah....smh smh smh
Or as my friend Zack would say "Saturday Moose Hat"
So, I need to think about this on this level:
Living for something is the hard thing- we live for what we believe.
My friend on twitter last night made a post
"I want something good to die for, to make it beautiful to live"
I'm pretty sure I read it four times and still had a confused look on my face... I just didn't really get the concept.
Reading this chapter I get it.
What would you die for?
Live what you believe.
Walk the talk.
I am learning to believe better things, I am learning not to be passionate about empty things.
When you die, make it good- make your life worth something, believe something full. Be passionate.
Now, I just have to do it...yet again.
4) Learn how to trust, so I can love
5) walk the talk-- be passionate about what I believe. Don't have empty beliefs.
I want something good to die for, to make it beautiful to live.
-how amazing would that be? How amazing is it?
Every little thing is gonna be alright...
You guys are probably singing Bob Marley in your head now, you're welcome. If you were not before- you are now. Again, you're welcome. *three little birdsssss
I'm listening to that song as I type....haha
....
Okay, so today I have read chapter ten-
While I was reading this chapter I was conversing with a good friend of mine (let's just call her tutu)
Now, tutu has been my confidant for a few things...and I guess, she has realized- I worry about everything. I do. No sense in trying to deny it. After my "I'm worried about this..." text today, tutu said
"I feel like anxiety is definitely something you need to hand over to God"
well tutu, lemme tell you---was so right.
I started reading the chapter- he spoke about his fear of getting married- she could fall out of love with him (with his friend's mom) and she said that
"If the relationship is right, it is no more possible to wake up and want out of the marriage than it is to wake up and stop believing in God"
ohhoho...THEN he wrote "believing in God is as much like falling in love as it is about making a decision. Love is both something that happens to you AND something you decide upon"
....So I started thinking- I have a lot of problems with falling in love, especially with God lately.
then it hit me.
I think love has to have A LOT of trust in it.
I mean, you're putting your entire heart into something and TRUSTING everything will be okay.
I have pretty much 0 trust, really...
I never think things will be okay.
If I am going to fall in love with God, or anything or anyone in the future. (though right now this is about falling in love with God) I need to trust everything will be okay.
Because, with God- it will, even if it doesn't always seem like it, he's got me.
Writing all of this down in my notebook today gave me some peace. I'm not even finished the chapter.
I think this is the most important thing I've gotten out of it though, I could be wrong.
Probably am :P
_________________________________________________________________________
It's so funny--I'm so funny.
I thought I was done learning from this chapter.
Wow, I'm cute.
Okay, so this chapter---- I am in love with it-- well not real love, just the human version of "oh I love pizza"
Not the God version of "OH I LOVE MICHELLE"
...I just made myself chuckle.
I digress.
Really quick- TIL
My belief needs to be passionate. If it isn't, then I will get no where. Believing in something comes at a cost- having a belief isn't cool to other people, but if you're passionate about it, they will start to ask questions (I'm finding that with this book)....
I think I'm passionate about this book.
I tell everyone about it, I wake up and it is the first thing I want to read, and before I go to bed it is the last thing I read, I think about it all day, try to find as much time as I can to read it.
Why am I not like this with my beliefs?
I suck....that's why.
I just keep thinking "oh as soon as I'm done with this book- I'll start being more passionate about God, and my love for him"
Why wait?
LEGGOOOOO
(I still have two pages left to read- I really hope that I don't have anything else to learn)
If someone actually read the whole post I just made, you deserve a cookie.
I'm listening to that song as I type....haha
....
Okay, so today I have read chapter ten-
While I was reading this chapter I was conversing with a good friend of mine (let's just call her tutu)
Now, tutu has been my confidant for a few things...and I guess, she has realized- I worry about everything. I do. No sense in trying to deny it. After my "I'm worried about this..." text today, tutu said
"I feel like anxiety is definitely something you need to hand over to God"
well tutu, lemme tell you---was so right.
I started reading the chapter- he spoke about his fear of getting married- she could fall out of love with him (with his friend's mom) and she said that
"If the relationship is right, it is no more possible to wake up and want out of the marriage than it is to wake up and stop believing in God"
ohhoho...THEN he wrote "believing in God is as much like falling in love as it is about making a decision. Love is both something that happens to you AND something you decide upon"
....So I started thinking- I have a lot of problems with falling in love, especially with God lately.
then it hit me.
I think love has to have A LOT of trust in it.
I mean, you're putting your entire heart into something and TRUSTING everything will be okay.
I have pretty much 0 trust, really...
I never think things will be okay.
If I am going to fall in love with God, or anything or anyone in the future. (though right now this is about falling in love with God) I need to trust everything will be okay.
Because, with God- it will, even if it doesn't always seem like it, he's got me.
Writing all of this down in my notebook today gave me some peace. I'm not even finished the chapter.
I think this is the most important thing I've gotten out of it though, I could be wrong.
Probably am :P
_________________________________________________________________________
It's so funny--I'm so funny.
I thought I was done learning from this chapter.
Wow, I'm cute.
Okay, so this chapter---- I am in love with it-- well not real love, just the human version of "oh I love pizza"
Not the God version of "OH I LOVE MICHELLE"
...I just made myself chuckle.
I digress.
Really quick- TIL
My belief needs to be passionate. If it isn't, then I will get no where. Believing in something comes at a cost- having a belief isn't cool to other people, but if you're passionate about it, they will start to ask questions (I'm finding that with this book)....
I think I'm passionate about this book.
I tell everyone about it, I wake up and it is the first thing I want to read, and before I go to bed it is the last thing I read, I think about it all day, try to find as much time as I can to read it.
Why am I not like this with my beliefs?
I suck....that's why.
I just keep thinking "oh as soon as I'm done with this book- I'll start being more passionate about God, and my love for him"
Why wait?
LEGGOOOOO
(I still have two pages left to read- I really hope that I don't have anything else to learn)
If someone actually read the whole post I just made, you deserve a cookie.
FUN FACT:
Lately when I wake up, (after checking my phone and turning on my music) I do pose of a child (hands under my head though) and pray something...like today it was:
Please help me to be productive today.
Then I was thinking "WHAT?! THAT IS SO SELFISH THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU MICHELLE..." (even though reading this book is about me kinda, it is more about my relationship with my beliefs and others)
..so I rephrased:
Please, be productive and work in me today.
Suddenly I feel a whole lot better.
I feel like a lot of my prayers in the past have not always been good and right....I need to remember my actions/interactions rule.
I am trying, it is hard, but I am trying.
I am learning :)
Please help me to be productive today.
Then I was thinking "WHAT?! THAT IS SO SELFISH THIS ISN'T ABOUT YOU MICHELLE..." (even though reading this book is about me kinda, it is more about my relationship with my beliefs and others)
..so I rephrased:
Please, be productive and work in me today.
Suddenly I feel a whole lot better.
I feel like a lot of my prayers in the past have not always been good and right....I need to remember my actions/interactions rule.
I am trying, it is hard, but I am trying.
I am learning :)
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
God: person/thing vs. idea
...I've run into a problem:
this is probably going to be short.
I can't connect with God as much in my mind when I think of him as I was taught to think of him-- my mind flips it to something bad.
I was introduced to the idea of seeing God as more of a constant thought/idea...of love (I've added things like peace, joy, happiness, pureness, justness to my thoughts)
But when I think of an eternity- or the reason for giving me grace, anything that I've been given and undeserving of....I can't think of Love running after me and wanting me, it is kind of hard for me to visualize, but I can see God as a being coming towards me and saying "hey, I want you to be mine"
Maybe it is because I don't really know love, the right love, pure love.
Maybe it is because I don't have it right.
I'm going to guess both.
This chapter was frustrating more than anything to me.
I have felt literally everything he had felt and talked about, but he found resolution so much easier than I have.
...I want resolution and peace.
I've felt the peace I want, I think, but then I mess around with the idea-
I need to stop thinking and just let go.
Jump in.
It's alright, there's beauty in the breakdown.
^^thanks Imogen Heap....
I'm going to sleep on this.
this is probably going to be short.
I can't connect with God as much in my mind when I think of him as I was taught to think of him-- my mind flips it to something bad.
I was introduced to the idea of seeing God as more of a constant thought/idea...of love (I've added things like peace, joy, happiness, pureness, justness to my thoughts)
But when I think of an eternity- or the reason for giving me grace, anything that I've been given and undeserving of....I can't think of Love running after me and wanting me, it is kind of hard for me to visualize, but I can see God as a being coming towards me and saying "hey, I want you to be mine"
Maybe it is because I don't really know love, the right love, pure love.
Maybe it is because I don't have it right.
I'm going to guess both.
This chapter was frustrating more than anything to me.
I have felt literally everything he had felt and talked about, but he found resolution so much easier than I have.
...I want resolution and peace.
I've felt the peace I want, I think, but then I mess around with the idea-
I need to stop thinking and just let go.
Jump in.
It's alright, there's beauty in the breakdown.
^^thanks Imogen Heap....
I'm going to sleep on this.
Falling Stars -Chapter 8
I am taking a class in school (World Religion)
and a week ago, instead of taking notes I was on facebook (I know, shame on me)
BUT I was actually talking to a friend about what we were talking about in class- Buddhism.
I think Buddhism is beautiful.
Seriously, they are all about love, prayer, peace, joy, doing what is right.
Thinking before you speak, understanding, actions, livelihood, effort, right mind.
Do not steal, do not lie, do not drink or do drugs, do not hurt others, be responsible in relationships.
They just believe things in a different way than Christians.
They have a cylindrical view of life- reincarnation, and if you become enlightened you reach Nirvana which is release from the cycle. (In Hindu religion you reach moksha, which is almost the same idea)
Okay, so....I digress. ANYWAY They have the same core beliefs as Christians do, for the most part.
What makes them so wrong and us so right?
I don't understand who is right, yet I am just blindly following God.
Because- as far as I am concerned he has shown me and given me so much more than I ever deserved.
Maybe it isn't blind. Maybe deep down inside (becoming more and more visible as I read this book, seriously) I know the truth, and I've known it all along. I just refuse to embrace it.
I've known Christ, for some time...or so I thought. Maybe I have a view of him that I couldn't connect with, and that's my problem? Maybe I've been connecting him with the people that aren't the same as he is- but in my mind they were.
I used to just think of him as another guy, in charge, telling me I need to do things or I'll get in HUGE trouble- life demolishing trouble.
Maybe, he has a little bit of that in him.
I think the bigger side of him is reveling itself to me.
I think I'm going to stop looking at him as a person and start to look at him as more of an idea, a thought that I can go to whenever I want/need/should. I am not sure if this is going to help me, but I am going to try it for a few days.
I want to think of him more as love, less as harm...because I think that is a big wall for me.
Don't condemn me for this- if you think it's wrong. Not everyone can see God in the same way for him to get his point across in their life. Some people can't see God as a father- maybe they got hurt by their dad.
I didn't, but I got hurt by thinking he was more of a human kind of thing- because Humans have failed in my life- so so badly.
Ideas- to me they are always growing, always.
I hope I don't change my idea.
...here goes nothing.
"We are tiny people, on a tiny little earth suspended in an endless void that echoes past stars and the stars of stars."
^ I like that quote, just a reminder at how little I am in the big picture
and a week ago, instead of taking notes I was on facebook (I know, shame on me)
BUT I was actually talking to a friend about what we were talking about in class- Buddhism.
I think Buddhism is beautiful.
Seriously, they are all about love, prayer, peace, joy, doing what is right.
Thinking before you speak, understanding, actions, livelihood, effort, right mind.
Do not steal, do not lie, do not drink or do drugs, do not hurt others, be responsible in relationships.
They just believe things in a different way than Christians.
They have a cylindrical view of life- reincarnation, and if you become enlightened you reach Nirvana which is release from the cycle. (In Hindu religion you reach moksha, which is almost the same idea)
Okay, so....I digress. ANYWAY They have the same core beliefs as Christians do, for the most part.
What makes them so wrong and us so right?
I don't understand who is right, yet I am just blindly following God.
Because- as far as I am concerned he has shown me and given me so much more than I ever deserved.
Maybe it isn't blind. Maybe deep down inside (becoming more and more visible as I read this book, seriously) I know the truth, and I've known it all along. I just refuse to embrace it.
I've known Christ, for some time...or so I thought. Maybe I have a view of him that I couldn't connect with, and that's my problem? Maybe I've been connecting him with the people that aren't the same as he is- but in my mind they were.
I used to just think of him as another guy, in charge, telling me I need to do things or I'll get in HUGE trouble- life demolishing trouble.
Maybe, he has a little bit of that in him.
I think the bigger side of him is reveling itself to me.
I think I'm going to stop looking at him as a person and start to look at him as more of an idea, a thought that I can go to whenever I want/need/should. I am not sure if this is going to help me, but I am going to try it for a few days.
I want to think of him more as love, less as harm...because I think that is a big wall for me.
Don't condemn me for this- if you think it's wrong. Not everyone can see God in the same way for him to get his point across in their life. Some people can't see God as a father- maybe they got hurt by their dad.
I didn't, but I got hurt by thinking he was more of a human kind of thing- because Humans have failed in my life- so so badly.
Ideas- to me they are always growing, always.
I hope I don't change my idea.
...here goes nothing.
"We are tiny people, on a tiny little earth suspended in an endless void that echoes past stars and the stars of stars."
^ I like that quote, just a reminder at how little I am in the big picture
Grace that is greater than all my sin.
So, in this chapter Don is speaking of Grace.
Some people have no trouble accepting God's grace, others experience immense difficulty.
His reasons were pride.
My reason?
I don't believe that I am worthy of his grace.
Seriously, something as great and loving as God- giving grace to an ant like me?
Why?
I mean, I understand there is immense love going on there--- but maybe I only think I do.
Because, for someone to give their life for me?
I'm sorry, I just don't think I'm worthy of that.
It isn't that I wont accept it because I don't want his charity.
I just don't think I deserve something so wonderful as grace.
The idea of FREE GRACE to me, is...confusing.
it always has been....
I'm hoping this is something I can actually understand eventually---because I feel like this is really important to understand.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sometimes I should read the entire chapter before I make a post.
"It was Rick's role in his relationship with God to humbly receive God's unconditional love."
I feel like that's what God is, straight up- he is love.
If he wasn't I feel like we would be completely lost.
Honestly, he has to have a lot of love, so I want to think of him as pure love, which to me is beautiful.
I need to learn how to accept his love, then I can love him in the right way in return.
That love spurs obedience and humility.
Which is what God says he wants from us.
"A beggar's kingdom is better than a proud man's delusion"
Some people have no trouble accepting God's grace, others experience immense difficulty.
His reasons were pride.
My reason?
I don't believe that I am worthy of his grace.
Seriously, something as great and loving as God- giving grace to an ant like me?
Why?
I mean, I understand there is immense love going on there--- but maybe I only think I do.
Because, for someone to give their life for me?
I'm sorry, I just don't think I'm worthy of that.
It isn't that I wont accept it because I don't want his charity.
I just don't think I deserve something so wonderful as grace.
The idea of FREE GRACE to me, is...confusing.
it always has been....
I'm hoping this is something I can actually understand eventually---because I feel like this is really important to understand.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sometimes I should read the entire chapter before I make a post.
"It was Rick's role in his relationship with God to humbly receive God's unconditional love."
I feel like that's what God is, straight up- he is love.
If he wasn't I feel like we would be completely lost.
Honestly, he has to have a lot of love, so I want to think of him as pure love, which to me is beautiful.
I need to learn how to accept his love, then I can love him in the right way in return.
That love spurs obedience and humility.
Which is what God says he wants from us.
"A beggar's kingdom is better than a proud man's delusion"
Self Help?
I feel like I have helped more people in the past week than I have in my entire life.
I've shared this book with so many people. I've shared why I'm doing this, I've shared what I've been through...I think people connect with the pain, and they want to know there is something else...I'm starting to find it- they want it....it kinda just is falling into place.
I have opened up so much, and now, people are starting to open up to me.
Is this God using me?
If it is, I really hope he gives me wisdom, because I don't have the answers- I only know what I am supposed to be working towards. I have 0 answers really, he has everything. I'm not going to question his love, or his purpose- he isn't going to tell me. It isn't for me to know-- it's just for me to follow.
love, light, beauty.
peace and joy.
Strive towards your purpose, live right and just.
My goals are adjusted. I like these....a lot.
I've shared this book with so many people. I've shared why I'm doing this, I've shared what I've been through...I think people connect with the pain, and they want to know there is something else...I'm starting to find it- they want it....it kinda just is falling into place.
I have opened up so much, and now, people are starting to open up to me.
Is this God using me?
If it is, I really hope he gives me wisdom, because I don't have the answers- I only know what I am supposed to be working towards. I have 0 answers really, he has everything. I'm not going to question his love, or his purpose- he isn't going to tell me. It isn't for me to know-- it's just for me to follow.
love, light, beauty.
peace and joy.
Strive towards your purpose, live right and just.
My goals are adjusted. I like these....a lot.
Penguin Sex.
Okay- Don't be blown away by my title, you'd have to read the book-- it will take me a long time to type everything up.
I woke up randomly at 2:34....freaked out because I watched so many scary movies and thought 3:00am was coming and I was going to die.
....you may laugh at me...I'm so ridiculous I'm laughing at myself right now.
Anyway, I just laid there on my bed.
for 30 minutes.
Asking God pretty much to forgive me.
We haven't talked in years.
I feel like there is a door between us...a huge door, with a peephole. I am just standing at the door- and he is knocking, but I am only looking at him, I'm not unlocking it. I'm not opening it. I keep telling myself "not yet, not yet, not yet" ...I'm an idiot.
So, after I asked him to forgive me I pretty much said that I am not ready to accept this yet.
Because I am an idiot- of course...haha
Then, I couldn't sleep. I tried to get on my computer to listen to music to calm down BUT it wouldn't connect..something about DNS-- whatever that means.
So, I wrote in my notebook...and kept saying how much I wanted to read the book...but I am trying to space out my time.
I gave in.
I read some of chapter five.
I needed Chapter five.
This post is going to get a lot longer- bear with me, please. It is worth it.
Every chapter seems to get better at making me mad at myself...I didn't finish chapter five yet, but I'm far enough along that I starting realizing more about myself.
Don talks about his friend Laura- her family is all christian- she is an atheist (or so she says, because she starts talking as if God could possibly exist, which makes her not an atheist, but whatever)
....Laura has a problem: her life is a mess, she is fighting God, but she feels like he is trying to become a part of her life- badly, like he wants her. but she is fighting it- so so much.
Well Laura, let's just be best friends...because I am totally there.
Don says that his belief in Jesus did not seem rational or scientific-- and that's what laura wanted, a rational thing she could believe in.
That's exactly my problem. Everything I agree with or believe is because I have a reason- a solid reason behind it. But- my faith in God? I don't understand it at all, I don't understand how anyone can just or should just blindly follow something.
He says - Love, beauty, and light are all things that have no scientific reason- but they exist to us, because they just do.
Then in my head I thought (love is a major increase in dopamine, beauty in our eyes is just the golden spiral, and light is *I can't remember which* black/white)
Because I have to be an idiot and fight everything ever.
The I read "He will make no more sense to me than I will make to an ant."
WELL MICHELLE THERE YOU HAVE IT.
My friend that introduced me to this book said that three times before I read it (at least)....and now I get it.
I need him to make sense to me, but he wont. That's the beauty of it-- I just have to understand that he is greater than I am and I don't really even deserve to fully understand him, or anything really. If we did, then we wouldn't need anything but ourselves, and I am learning I am the least of all things on earth.
Penguins just have this radar in them, everyone has seen happy feet. The mom gives birth, goes away, dad watches the egg, mom comes back, baby is born...she just knows when to come back.
Their radar just tells them- it makes no sense why, it just does.
Don says "I have a radar in me that says to believe in Jesus- penguin radar leads them perfectly well, maybe it isn't so foolish that I follow that radar inside me"
....I guess I need to start paying attention to my radar. No matter how difficult it is for me to accept this. I can do this, not alone-- I realized that earlier when I was talking to God....I can't do anything alone. I'm nothing, I am just a shell with a soul that is waiting to be used. But with God's help..I can....I can follow my radar.
If you're reading this and you don't believe in God, or anything at all...I encourage you to read this book. Please, even just to understand what I'm talking about, it's like 11 dollars on Amazon...and worth every penny.
....I feel so so much better. I'm glad I read that much of this chapter.
That was really long....I really wanted to go running at 6 ...BUT I really want to read this book more.
...haha this week seems to be full of moments that have been given to me by God...precisely so I can grow. Sunday at church showed me that, waking up at 2:34am showed me that.....he is trying so hard, I am going to start trying back harder.
I woke up randomly at 2:34....freaked out because I watched so many scary movies and thought 3:00am was coming and I was going to die.
....you may laugh at me...I'm so ridiculous I'm laughing at myself right now.
Anyway, I just laid there on my bed.
for 30 minutes.
Asking God pretty much to forgive me.
We haven't talked in years.
I feel like there is a door between us...a huge door, with a peephole. I am just standing at the door- and he is knocking, but I am only looking at him, I'm not unlocking it. I'm not opening it. I keep telling myself "not yet, not yet, not yet" ...I'm an idiot.
So, after I asked him to forgive me I pretty much said that I am not ready to accept this yet.
Because I am an idiot- of course...haha
Then, I couldn't sleep. I tried to get on my computer to listen to music to calm down BUT it wouldn't connect..something about DNS-- whatever that means.
So, I wrote in my notebook...and kept saying how much I wanted to read the book...but I am trying to space out my time.
I gave in.
I read some of chapter five.
I needed Chapter five.
This post is going to get a lot longer- bear with me, please. It is worth it.
Every chapter seems to get better at making me mad at myself...I didn't finish chapter five yet, but I'm far enough along that I starting realizing more about myself.
Don talks about his friend Laura- her family is all christian- she is an atheist (or so she says, because she starts talking as if God could possibly exist, which makes her not an atheist, but whatever)
....Laura has a problem: her life is a mess, she is fighting God, but she feels like he is trying to become a part of her life- badly, like he wants her. but she is fighting it- so so much.
Well Laura, let's just be best friends...because I am totally there.
Don says that his belief in Jesus did not seem rational or scientific-- and that's what laura wanted, a rational thing she could believe in.
That's exactly my problem. Everything I agree with or believe is because I have a reason- a solid reason behind it. But- my faith in God? I don't understand it at all, I don't understand how anyone can just or should just blindly follow something.
He says - Love, beauty, and light are all things that have no scientific reason- but they exist to us, because they just do.
Then in my head I thought (love is a major increase in dopamine, beauty in our eyes is just the golden spiral, and light is *I can't remember which* black/white)
Because I have to be an idiot and fight everything ever.
The I read "He will make no more sense to me than I will make to an ant."
WELL MICHELLE THERE YOU HAVE IT.
My friend that introduced me to this book said that three times before I read it (at least)....and now I get it.
I need him to make sense to me, but he wont. That's the beauty of it-- I just have to understand that he is greater than I am and I don't really even deserve to fully understand him, or anything really. If we did, then we wouldn't need anything but ourselves, and I am learning I am the least of all things on earth.
Penguins just have this radar in them, everyone has seen happy feet. The mom gives birth, goes away, dad watches the egg, mom comes back, baby is born...she just knows when to come back.
Their radar just tells them- it makes no sense why, it just does.
Don says "I have a radar in me that says to believe in Jesus- penguin radar leads them perfectly well, maybe it isn't so foolish that I follow that radar inside me"
....I guess I need to start paying attention to my radar. No matter how difficult it is for me to accept this. I can do this, not alone-- I realized that earlier when I was talking to God....I can't do anything alone. I'm nothing, I am just a shell with a soul that is waiting to be used. But with God's help..I can....I can follow my radar.
If you're reading this and you don't believe in God, or anything at all...I encourage you to read this book. Please, even just to understand what I'm talking about, it's like 11 dollars on Amazon...and worth every penny.
....I feel so so much better. I'm glad I read that much of this chapter.
That was really long....I really wanted to go running at 6 ...BUT I really want to read this book more.
...haha this week seems to be full of moments that have been given to me by God...precisely so I can grow. Sunday at church showed me that, waking up at 2:34am showed me that.....he is trying so hard, I am going to start trying back harder.
Monday, February 27, 2012
My Problem with Christianity- the people.
Okay, I know this is so horrible of me to say--but I'm all about being honest about this stuff, it's the only way I can figure things out.
I dislike Christians. Not all of them, but they put a bad taste in my mouth.
(WAIT BREAK)
I just realized when I was typing that I wasn't considering myself as a Christian....
crap.
What is my deal? I mean, really?
When I was a bigger part of the church- I felt like I was always being pushed so tell people about what I believed (which was hard, since I wasn't sure all of the time)
I am pretty sure, I viewed the people of the church the same way that many non-Christians do. How sad is that?
I just, don't have the best opinion of the church, it seems to be clouding my views.
Especially since I can think of at least ten people right off of the top of my head- amazing amazing people, that are Christians....
Those people are people I have looked up to my entire life.
Little Christs- ...they are pretty much a good example. They are loving and kind, caring...well, everything I think is good, right, just, pure in the world.
My sister, my best friends, my new friends, missionaries....I hold nothing against them, they never gave up on me. So, why have I given up on the church...?? Why have I separated myself from them? Why?
I think I need to stop being so ridiculous and just forgive.
I'm not sure I can do that...
because I'm pretty scared of that.
I'd have to admit I'm wrong.
GOAL NUMBER TWO.
---I went to church this sunday to try and get over this whole strong dislike of the church. To try and forgive.
I ended up crying a whole lot.
People kept saying "oh where have you been?"
Why didn't you say that to me when I stopped coming to church?
My friend Michelle said "No one should be able to walk away from the church without someone noticing"
I did.
I need to realize, I can't group Christians together in one huge lump.
No one should.
This is going to be a hard thing for me to get over.
did any of that make sense? I was pretty much just saying---Wow, I'm super super wrong. I need to stop it.
I dislike Christians. Not all of them, but they put a bad taste in my mouth.
(WAIT BREAK)
I just realized when I was typing that I wasn't considering myself as a Christian....
crap.
What is my deal? I mean, really?
When I was a bigger part of the church- I felt like I was always being pushed so tell people about what I believed (which was hard, since I wasn't sure all of the time)
I am pretty sure, I viewed the people of the church the same way that many non-Christians do. How sad is that?
I just, don't have the best opinion of the church, it seems to be clouding my views.
Especially since I can think of at least ten people right off of the top of my head- amazing amazing people, that are Christians....
Those people are people I have looked up to my entire life.
Little Christs- ...they are pretty much a good example. They are loving and kind, caring...well, everything I think is good, right, just, pure in the world.
My sister, my best friends, my new friends, missionaries....I hold nothing against them, they never gave up on me. So, why have I given up on the church...?? Why have I separated myself from them? Why?
I think I need to stop being so ridiculous and just forgive.
I'm not sure I can do that...
because I'm pretty scared of that.
I'd have to admit I'm wrong.
GOAL NUMBER TWO.
---I went to church this sunday to try and get over this whole strong dislike of the church. To try and forgive.
I ended up crying a whole lot.
People kept saying "oh where have you been?"
Why didn't you say that to me when I stopped coming to church?
My friend Michelle said "No one should be able to walk away from the church without someone noticing"
I did.
I need to realize, I can't group Christians together in one huge lump.
No one should.
This is going to be a hard thing for me to get over.
did any of that make sense? I was pretty much just saying---Wow, I'm super super wrong. I need to stop it.
What happened to us?
This has nothing to do with the book- again.
In class we are talking about Chinese Religion.
They are so respectful of the dead.
What happened to Americans?
Seriously, we are a melting pot- yet as a culture/country/group of people I feel as though we have become so desensitized from death. We have lost all respect.
Think about it.
They have a full day of going and cleaning off graves and respecting their ancestors who have passed on.
What do we do? Take flowers every so often, when we feel like it...pretty much.
Come on.
I get so angry at Americans from this class. For so so much.
--done ranting, gotta pay attention.....
In class we are talking about Chinese Religion.
They are so respectful of the dead.
What happened to Americans?
Seriously, we are a melting pot- yet as a culture/country/group of people I feel as though we have become so desensitized from death. We have lost all respect.
Think about it.
They have a full day of going and cleaning off graves and respecting their ancestors who have passed on.
What do we do? Take flowers every so often, when we feel like it...pretty much.
Come on.
I get so angry at Americans from this class. For so so much.
--done ranting, gotta pay attention.....
Hopeful Thoughts- Chapter Three.
Okay, I highly doubt anyone else read this chapter and thought the same way as I have from reading it.
--seriously.
This chapter was depressing as heck. Not going to lie. It made me nervous to read it. The last half was about conflict, climax, and resolution.
Conflict- sin, original sin at that.
Climax- the decision to follow God or not.
Resolution- the answer....Ultimately to follow God and be forgiven.
...So- this is what I wrote today:
What do I believe?
I'm learning right now that I doubt and question most EVERYTHING!
But, maybe, I'm looking at things wrongly. My friend said to me yesterday "Michelle, if you question everything you're going to end up unhappy with everything...believe me, I've been there"
So, instead of continually running from things, I'm going to try to embrace life.
Embrace truth.
Embrace Love.
---all of these things I have a problem with.
I need to find out what truth, life, and love are...first.....
I'm not sure if right now in my life I can accept and embrace everything, but I can start working towards that time. That's exactly what I'm trying to do after all.
My running hurts me, more than anything. I run from EVERYTHING....seriously, you guys know me, you know this is true...more true than anything.
Climax and resolution:
I have a big choice to make, HUGE CHOICE. One I have been afraid of my entire life, I have been running from it daily. I honestly thought I got away-- until someone showed me how ridiculous I was being, you can't run from this. This isn't something you'll escape. I think questioning is healthy, in certain respects...but not the way I question things. Right now, I'm not sure I can make that decision- I will make it. I am going to find my answer to what I believe, once I do that- I have to accept it. What is my decision? What will my resolution be?
For right now, I'm happy I'm to be at this point, I'm happy, because I will find my resolution. I will get there...if these things take forever I especially am slow.
Thanks for reading guys- every day I feel like I learn more, I am so hopeful. I feel like I am going to take a long time to change, probably years really.......I would normally be so upset and scared about this. But, honestly? Right now I have never been happier. I am so excited. The next years of my life will be the best.
--seriously.
This chapter was depressing as heck. Not going to lie. It made me nervous to read it. The last half was about conflict, climax, and resolution.
Conflict- sin, original sin at that.
Climax- the decision to follow God or not.
Resolution- the answer....Ultimately to follow God and be forgiven.
...So- this is what I wrote today:
What do I believe?
I'm learning right now that I doubt and question most EVERYTHING!
But, maybe, I'm looking at things wrongly. My friend said to me yesterday "Michelle, if you question everything you're going to end up unhappy with everything...believe me, I've been there"
So, instead of continually running from things, I'm going to try to embrace life.
Embrace truth.
Embrace Love.
---all of these things I have a problem with.
I need to find out what truth, life, and love are...first.....
I'm not sure if right now in my life I can accept and embrace everything, but I can start working towards that time. That's exactly what I'm trying to do after all.
My running hurts me, more than anything. I run from EVERYTHING....seriously, you guys know me, you know this is true...more true than anything.
Climax and resolution:
I have a big choice to make, HUGE CHOICE. One I have been afraid of my entire life, I have been running from it daily. I honestly thought I got away-- until someone showed me how ridiculous I was being, you can't run from this. This isn't something you'll escape. I think questioning is healthy, in certain respects...but not the way I question things. Right now, I'm not sure I can make that decision- I will make it. I am going to find my answer to what I believe, once I do that- I have to accept it. What is my decision? What will my resolution be?
For right now, I'm happy I'm to be at this point, I'm happy, because I will find my resolution. I will get there...if these things take forever I especially am slow.
Thanks for reading guys- every day I feel like I learn more, I am so hopeful. I feel like I am going to take a long time to change, probably years really.......I would normally be so upset and scared about this. But, honestly? Right now I have never been happier. I am so excited. The next years of my life will be the best.
Action, not reaction.
....Okay- today I am really going to work on my interactions with others. Not that I wasn't trying before-- but today is work and class. Hopefully, the more I focus on things the more I will notice things and change them. It so far is a big goal for me because it ties into goal #2 I feel like I should give myself an m&m every time I do something right-- maybe I should figure out a better reward system.
Hopefully between work and class tonight I can take an hour and read some more-- I'm looking forward to it.
You guys can finally hear me talk more about the book :\ and less about m&ms
Hopefully between work and class tonight I can take an hour and read some more-- I'm looking forward to it.
You guys can finally hear me talk more about the book :\ and less about m&ms
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Magic is just an Illusion.
So, I only read a few pages of chapter three, since I am going to church soon- for the first time in a long long time.
This chapter made me feel so guilty. At least, so far. I'm having a really hard time accepting how wrong I've been for so long. I'm doing it, but boy, it hurts.
The stories made me laugh, but then after I thought about it more the magic part hit me...then he said something that hurt. (talking about a pastor just being a salesman for God)
"and, honestly, I felt as though he was trying to convince himself, as though he only half believed what he was saying."
Now, I know when I was a part of the church, I wasn't a pastor. BUT I led small groups, I sang on the worship team on Sunday mornings, and Wednesdays I led worship.
How much of that time was just me trying to convince myself? I feel like I went on like that for too long. I just tried to convince myself to believe something that I wasn't sure of- and I couldn't. Nonetheless I pretended I was to everyone else.
The guilt just crashed on me like a huge 100 foot wave. I don't know what I'm holding on to right now though- maybe just hope that I can be forgiven. That's like leading sheep to slaughter. I know, because I seemed like it people weren't led astray. To me though, that isn't the point. The point was- I was lying, a huge big deal lie.
I am humbled right now, I hope I can be forgiven for this. I hope the people that learned from me, learn from my mistakes. --my many, many mistakes.
This chapter made me feel so guilty. At least, so far. I'm having a really hard time accepting how wrong I've been for so long. I'm doing it, but boy, it hurts.
The stories made me laugh, but then after I thought about it more the magic part hit me...then he said something that hurt. (talking about a pastor just being a salesman for God)
"and, honestly, I felt as though he was trying to convince himself, as though he only half believed what he was saying."
Now, I know when I was a part of the church, I wasn't a pastor. BUT I led small groups, I sang on the worship team on Sunday mornings, and Wednesdays I led worship.
How much of that time was just me trying to convince myself? I feel like I went on like that for too long. I just tried to convince myself to believe something that I wasn't sure of- and I couldn't. Nonetheless I pretended I was to everyone else.
The guilt just crashed on me like a huge 100 foot wave. I don't know what I'm holding on to right now though- maybe just hope that I can be forgiven. That's like leading sheep to slaughter. I know, because I seemed like it people weren't led astray. To me though, that isn't the point. The point was- I was lying, a huge big deal lie.
I am humbled right now, I hope I can be forgiven for this. I hope the people that learned from me, learn from my mistakes. --my many, many mistakes.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
What is wrong with the person in the mirror?
I, so far, have accepted that I am flawed. ...in the past few hours that is.
This is a lot for me to grasp. I hate admitting faults. And saying I'm entirely flawed? ....this is like....an atomic bomb. To my everything.
The path to joy winds through this dark valley.
True change, true life-giving, God honoring change would have to start with the individual.
So, starting with myself, what's the problem?
My answer --
Isn't a better question- What isn't the problem? I mean, I'm human, I've made a million mistakes, I'll make a million more. Probably two million....I'm selfish, short-tempered, unforgiving, full of doubt, full of fear, I have problems with trusting, I'm harsh, I have no patience.
The list goes on and on...I can't think of everything that is wrong.
What have I become? -Everything I never wanted to be.
My second goal- and third- I think that one is going to be a "do your best, because that's all you can ask" goal...
2) Continue to accept my flaws, admit my wrongs. It's the only way to recognize they exist and from there I can work to change.
3) Find out who I'm supposed to be, get there. ----or really who I want to become from all of this.
Three is asking a whole lot.....but....it is what it is. I need to set something.
This is a lot for me to grasp. I hate admitting faults. And saying I'm entirely flawed? ....this is like....an atomic bomb. To my everything.
The path to joy winds through this dark valley.
True change, true life-giving, God honoring change would have to start with the individual.
So, starting with myself, what's the problem?
My answer --
Isn't a better question- What isn't the problem? I mean, I'm human, I've made a million mistakes, I'll make a million more. Probably two million....I'm selfish, short-tempered, unforgiving, full of doubt, full of fear, I have problems with trusting, I'm harsh, I have no patience.
The list goes on and on...I can't think of everything that is wrong.
What have I become? -Everything I never wanted to be.
My second goal- and third- I think that one is going to be a "do your best, because that's all you can ask" goal...
2) Continue to accept my flaws, admit my wrongs. It's the only way to recognize they exist and from there I can work to change.
3) Find out who I'm supposed to be, get there. ----or really who I want to become from all of this.
Three is asking a whole lot.....but....it is what it is. I need to set something.
Well...
I'm just now realizing that this is going to be a long process. a long painful process.
...askdjhfaslkdjhf I'm going to finish this.
...askdjhfaslkdjhf I'm going to finish this.
We are flawed...
Chapter 2: The flaw of the human condition.
We wont admit it. Oh no, that's too hard. We wont admit we are wrong- because honestly, who likes being wrong?
I guess I should speak for myself....
I hate being wrong, I despise it. I feel like it is such a huge disappointment.
What if we just stepped back, took a look at ourselves. What if we said "I'm a screw up, I need to change ________"
That's kind of what I'm trying to do. Step back, look at myself. What do I need to change?
....oh, so much.
We wont admit it. Oh no, that's too hard. We wont admit we are wrong- because honestly, who likes being wrong?
I guess I should speak for myself....
I hate being wrong, I despise it. I feel like it is such a huge disappointment.
What if we just stepped back, took a look at ourselves. What if we said "I'm a screw up, I need to change ________"
That's kind of what I'm trying to do. Step back, look at myself. What do I need to change?
....oh, so much.
Shipwreck
I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don't want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don't want it to "not matter". I don't want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gorged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can't see.
As for grief, you'll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.
In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.
Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O'Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out.
Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them. And other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. If you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks.
--reddit annon.
--I know this isn't along the lines of the book, but the chapter I am reading is starting out kind of depressing, or- the second page is. I was thinking about what a friend of mine said before his life ended: "Our world is full of brokenness and terrible things. The best of us often suffer the greatest losses.
You're beautiful, inside and out. I love you. In time, things will be okay again." -KME--reddit annon.
--I know this isn't along the lines of the book, but the chapter I am reading is starting out kind of depressing, or- the second page is. I was thinking about what a friend of mine said before his life ended: "Our world is full of brokenness and terrible things. The best of us often suffer the greatest losses.
....I can't get this out of my head.
Shell-Shocked
Oh wow. Oh wow...oh wow.
So, here is a fun fact about me most of you probably already know: I get easily offended, too offended. I blow things up in my head to a million times worse than they are. Everything someone says to me is taken to heart....even if it isn't serious. ...and woah baby, I get upset.
So, why in the heck don't I think more before I speak? I rarely ever stop to think "Is this going to hurt you or help you?" when I am speaking, or acting.
If I do hurt someone I just shrug it off....this was normal for me until a few days ago when I hurt someone with something I said, and they called me out. Which hardly ever happens. It was like a slap to the face.
This person being one person I have no intention of hurting, at all. So when they called me out, it really hit home.
Reading this page now (9), about how the realization of your responsibility for your interactions with others is kind of earth shattering for me. Because when it comes to my interactions with others- I act so irresponsibly it is ridiculous.
I'm going to make some really specific goals I think, instead of my general "learn, grow, love"
1) Be responsible for my interactions with others. They matter more than anything. I am responsible for how I interact, I need to act like it.
So, here is a fun fact about me most of you probably already know: I get easily offended, too offended. I blow things up in my head to a million times worse than they are. Everything someone says to me is taken to heart....even if it isn't serious. ...and woah baby, I get upset.
So, why in the heck don't I think more before I speak? I rarely ever stop to think "Is this going to hurt you or help you?" when I am speaking, or acting.
If I do hurt someone I just shrug it off....this was normal for me until a few days ago when I hurt someone with something I said, and they called me out. Which hardly ever happens. It was like a slap to the face.
This person being one person I have no intention of hurting, at all. So when they called me out, it really hit home.
Reading this page now (9), about how the realization of your responsibility for your interactions with others is kind of earth shattering for me. Because when it comes to my interactions with others- I act so irresponsibly it is ridiculous.
I'm going to make some really specific goals I think, instead of my general "learn, grow, love"
1) Be responsible for my interactions with others. They matter more than anything. I am responsible for how I interact, I need to act like it.
God as a Slot Machine?
Chapter One page 8/9....viewing God as just someone you pray to for good things to happen, and if they happen you thank God, if things don't happen, you just pray more.
I have to say, I've never viewed God in this respect. I almost viewed this as 'taking advantage' (for lack of better words) of the relationship he gives. He was not there do to things for me, I was there for him to work through.
--First major thought through the book, other than thinking "Oh Lord, I am so much like this guy as far as he has talked"
I wish everyone reading this blog was reading the book at the same time I was...it would make explaining some things a little easier.
Blue Like Jazz
So, this is all because a good friend of mine got me thinking.
I hate to talk about religion. I think I'm just afraid of it....but he kind of introduced me to not being afraid of things.
I have a problem with fear, fear of the unknown. I don't know what I believe honestly, and I used to think that I did. Then I ran into trouble, and kept running. I want to know. I want to figure out what I believe, because to me, belief in something- ANYTHING is important.
I'm going to read this book- Blue Like Jazz. I am hoping it will get me thinking.
These are kind of my goals: (subject to change)
I want to learn- I need to learn, mostly what I believe. But really, everything I can.
I want to grow- Once I learn as much as I can I want to figure myself out and expand. I want to grow in myself, so I can be as full as possible.
I want to love- This one is super personal for me. I need to learn how to love myself, and love others. I'm hoping figuring out what I believe and stand for will help me with this...or, I believe that it will.
...So, here we go.
Enter the madness that is me.
I hate to talk about religion. I think I'm just afraid of it....but he kind of introduced me to not being afraid of things.
I have a problem with fear, fear of the unknown. I don't know what I believe honestly, and I used to think that I did. Then I ran into trouble, and kept running. I want to know. I want to figure out what I believe, because to me, belief in something- ANYTHING is important.
I'm going to read this book- Blue Like Jazz. I am hoping it will get me thinking.
These are kind of my goals: (subject to change)
I want to learn- I need to learn, mostly what I believe. But really, everything I can.
I want to grow- Once I learn as much as I can I want to figure myself out and expand. I want to grow in myself, so I can be as full as possible.
I want to love- This one is super personal for me. I need to learn how to love myself, and love others. I'm hoping figuring out what I believe and stand for will help me with this...or, I believe that it will.
...So, here we go.
Enter the madness that is me.
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