Okay, I know this is so horrible of me to say--but I'm all about being honest about this stuff, it's the only way I can figure things out.
I dislike Christians. Not all of them, but they put a bad taste in my mouth.
(WAIT BREAK)
I just realized when I was typing that I wasn't considering myself as a Christian....
crap.
What is my deal? I mean, really?
When I was a bigger part of the church- I felt like I was always being pushed so tell people about what I believed (which was hard, since I wasn't sure all of the time)
I am pretty sure, I viewed the people of the church the same way that many non-Christians do. How sad is that?
I just, don't have the best opinion of the church, it seems to be clouding my views.
Especially since I can think of at least ten people right off of the top of my head- amazing amazing people, that are Christians....
Those people are people I have looked up to my entire life.
Little Christs- ...they are pretty much a good example. They are loving and kind, caring...well, everything I think is good, right, just, pure in the world.
My sister, my best friends, my new friends, missionaries....I hold nothing against them, they never gave up on me. So, why have I given up on the church...?? Why have I separated myself from them? Why?
I think I need to stop being so ridiculous and just forgive.
I'm not sure I can do that...
because I'm pretty scared of that.
I'd have to admit I'm wrong.
GOAL NUMBER TWO.
---I went to church this sunday to try and get over this whole strong dislike of the church. To try and forgive.
I ended up crying a whole lot.
People kept saying "oh where have you been?"
Why didn't you say that to me when I stopped coming to church?
My friend Michelle said "No one should be able to walk away from the church without someone noticing"
I did.
I need to realize, I can't group Christians together in one huge lump.
No one should.
This is going to be a hard thing for me to get over.
did any of that make sense? I was pretty much just saying---Wow, I'm super super wrong. I need to stop it.
fun fact--- I wrote stuff differently in the notebook I'm keeping...I kinda like this better. I analyzed myself pretty well.
ReplyDeleteI think...
i'm sorry i was away.
ReplyDeletethat's what always breaks my heart...
i know it also wasn't up to me, because we had to take our separate journeys,
and even though i would never trade my experiences in honduras for anything, i'm sorry i was away. i'm sorry i wasn't there to ask you where you'd been.
i'm sorry, michi.
<3
ReplyDeleteIt's a late reply, but... Your friend is right. No one should be able to walk away from the church without someone noticing. This happens much easier in larger churches when the walker isn't really connected. This wasn't so in your case. I don't doubt that in most cases church people are very aware and grief stricken when someone walks away. Also, in a lot of these cases, I believe people are afraid they'll say or do something (the wrong something) and push the person away further. So they just dance around the subject. NOT the right response. I am convinced though that these people truly do love and care deeply.
ReplyDeleteBottom line: This is not an excuse for church people's silence and action-less response. Just a fact I suppose. Let's face it, some church people are just lazy and self centered. But for the sincere, I grieve that fear wins at the end of the day. Will you forgive me and my lack of probing?