Okay, I highly doubt anyone else read this chapter and thought the same way as I have from reading it.
--seriously.
This chapter was depressing as heck. Not going to lie. It made me nervous to read it. The last half was about conflict, climax, and resolution.
Conflict- sin, original sin at that.
Climax- the decision to follow God or not.
Resolution- the answer....Ultimately to follow God and be forgiven.
...So- this is what I wrote today:
What do I believe?
I'm learning right now that I doubt and question most EVERYTHING!
But, maybe, I'm looking at things wrongly. My friend said to me yesterday "Michelle, if you question everything you're going to end up unhappy with everything...believe me, I've been there"
So, instead of continually running from things, I'm going to try to embrace life.
Embrace truth.
Embrace Love.
---all of these things I have a problem with.
I need to find out what truth, life, and love are...first.....
I'm not sure if right now in my life I can accept and embrace everything, but I can start working towards that time. That's exactly what I'm trying to do after all.
My running hurts me, more than anything. I run from EVERYTHING....seriously, you guys know me, you know this is true...more true than anything.
Climax and resolution:
I have a big choice to make, HUGE CHOICE. One I have been afraid of my entire life, I have been running from it daily. I honestly thought I got away-- until someone showed me how ridiculous I was being, you can't run from this. This isn't something you'll escape. I think questioning is healthy, in certain respects...but not the way I question things. Right now, I'm not sure I can make that decision- I will make it. I am going to find my answer to what I believe, once I do that- I have to accept it. What is my decision? What will my resolution be?
For right now, I'm happy I'm to be at this point, I'm happy, because I will find my resolution. I will get there...if these things take forever I especially am slow.
Thanks for reading guys- every day I feel like I learn more, I am so hopeful. I feel like I am going to take a long time to change, probably years really.......I would normally be so upset and scared about this. But, honestly? Right now I have never been happier. I am so excited. The next years of my life will be the best.
Wow Michelle, I am learning so much through your posts, and it's making me want to read Blue Like Jazz too. You express yourself very well.
ReplyDeleteMan, I know what you mean about the Huge Choice. I remember feeling really discouraged during a period of doubt in my life about God, and you know what small little thing helped pull me out? A little quote from The Silver Chair by C.S. Lewis:
"Suppose we have only dreamed, or made up, all those things-trees and grass and sun and moon and stars and Aslan himself. Suppose we have. Then all I can say is that, in that case, the made-up things seem a good deal more important than the real ones. Suppose this black pit of a kingdom of yours is the only world. Well, it strikes me as a pretty poor one. And that's a funny thing, when you come to think of it. We're just babies making up a game, if you're right. But four babies playing a game can make a play-world which licks your real world hollow. That's why I'm going to stand by the play world. I'm on Aslan's side even if there isn't any Aslan to lead it. I'm going to live as like a Narnian as I can even if there isn't any Narnia. So, thanking you kindly for our supper, if these two gentlemen and the young lady are ready, we're leaving your court at once and setting out in the dark to spend our lives looking for Overland. Not that our lives will be very long, I should think; but that's a small loss if the world's as dull a place as you say."
-Puddleglum, The Silver Chair
It sounds a little depressing there at the end (it's Puddleglum, after all) But it made me wake up and say to myself...it's ok if I don't know all the answers. What I do know, is that life with Jesus is better than without, and living like there's an "Overland" kicks living like there isn't...and it doesn't mean stop thinking or learning, it just means being ok with some mystery. I'm not sure if that applies to what you're thinking about, but coming to terms with mystery was a very encouraging and freeing thing for me
I'm thinking of you as you keep reading!
-Abby L
That actually applies very well to what I'm thinking about. Thank you...a lot. Seriously, that was wonderful as well...I have so so much to read and think about and explore. My mind is becoming a sponge--a huge sponge, I just hope I don't miss anything.
ReplyDeleteThanks!