Penguin Sex.

Okay- Don't be blown away by my title, you'd have to read the book-- it will take me a long time to type everything up.

I woke up randomly at 2:34....freaked out because I watched so many scary movies and thought 3:00am was coming and I was going to die.

....you may laugh at me...I'm so ridiculous I'm laughing at myself right now.

Anyway, I just laid there on my bed.
for 30 minutes.
Asking God pretty much to forgive me.

We haven't talked in years.
I feel like there is a door between us...a huge door, with a peephole.  I am just standing at the door- and he is knocking, but I am only looking at him, I'm not unlocking it.  I'm not opening it. I keep telling myself "not yet, not yet, not yet" ...I'm an idiot.

So, after I asked him to forgive me I pretty much said that I am not ready to accept this yet.
Because I am an idiot- of course...haha

Then, I couldn't sleep.  I tried to get on my computer to listen to music to calm down BUT it wouldn't connect..something about DNS-- whatever that means.

So, I wrote in my notebook...and kept saying how much I wanted to read the book...but I am trying to space out my time.

I gave in.
I read some of chapter five.
I needed Chapter five.

This post is going to get a lot longer- bear with me, please.  It is worth it.
Every chapter seems to get better at making me mad at myself...I didn't finish chapter five yet, but I'm far enough along that I starting realizing more about myself.

Don talks about his friend Laura- her family is all christian- she is an atheist (or so she says, because she starts talking as if God could possibly exist, which makes her not an atheist, but whatever)
....Laura has a problem: her life is a mess, she is fighting God, but she feels like he is trying to become a part of her life- badly, like he wants her.   but she is fighting it- so so much.

Well Laura, let's just be best friends...because I am totally there.

Don says that his belief in Jesus did not seem rational or scientific-- and that's what laura wanted, a rational thing she could believe in.
That's exactly my problem.  Everything I agree with or believe is because I have a reason- a solid reason behind it.  But- my faith in God?  I don't understand it at all, I don't understand how anyone can just or should just blindly follow something.
He says - Love, beauty, and light are all things that have no scientific reason- but they exist to us, because they just do.
Then in my head I thought (love is a major increase in dopamine, beauty in our eyes is just the golden spiral, and light is *I can't remember which* black/white)
Because I have to be an idiot and fight everything ever.

The I read "He will make no more sense to me than I will make to an ant."

WELL MICHELLE THERE YOU HAVE IT.
My friend that introduced me to this book said that three times before I read it (at least)....and now I get it.

I need him to make sense to me, but he wont.  That's the beauty of it-- I just have to understand that he is greater than I am and I don't really even deserve to fully understand him, or anything really.  If we did, then we wouldn't need anything but ourselves, and I am learning I am the least of all things on earth.

Penguins just have this radar in them, everyone has seen happy feet.  The mom gives birth, goes away, dad watches the egg, mom comes back, baby is born...she just knows when to come back.
Their radar just tells them- it makes no sense why, it just does.
Don says "I have a radar in me that says to believe in Jesus- penguin radar leads them perfectly well, maybe it isn't so foolish that I follow that radar inside me"

....I guess I need to start paying attention to my radar.  No matter how difficult it is for me to accept this.  I can do this, not alone-- I realized that earlier when I was talking to God....I can't do anything alone.  I'm nothing, I am just a shell with a soul that is waiting to be used.  But with God's help..I can....I can follow my radar.
If you're reading this and you don't believe in God, or anything at all...I encourage you to read this book.  Please, even just to understand what I'm talking about, it's like 11 dollars on Amazon...and worth every penny.

....I feel so so much better.  I'm glad I read that much of this chapter.
That was really long....I really wanted to go running at 6 ...BUT I really want to read this book more.

...haha this week seems to be full of moments that have been given to me by God...precisely so I can grow.  Sunday at church showed me that, waking up at 2:34am showed me that.....he is trying so hard, I am going to start trying back harder.