There were two chapters on Love....actually I'm pretty sure there were more than that...but I just read two.
Both named "Love"
both with different subtitles.
How to really love other people
- so I think my problem doesn't really lay here. I think I might actually love other people a little too much. I'm even getting better at it lately.
My problem is with myself...so I get to the next chapter:
How to really love yourself:
oh how wonderfully fitting.
"I never for a second felt like I was worthy of anybody's compliments"
Sorry, but I feel like this on a daily basis.
It might just be the whole "depression state" that kills me, but whenever someone says anything complimentary to me I just think in my head "hahaha omg you're so wrong"
I don't know why I do it, I just don't like myself....and I don't understand why people like me, and sometimes I wish they didn't (in fact I've had this feeling a lot lately)
I try not to let it affect how I act with other people, because to me so many people are so much better than I am, in fact it kind of inspires me to be a better person- though I never feel like I can be.
Don has this problem where he needs affection.
I have this problem where I don't think I deserve it, but I give it out like it is my darhma. (if I was hindu that would be a good one, but I'm not...so I'll just say life duty)
I have this problem more with God....his love is so great...too great for me I feel, but here it is. I don't think my problems is wanting more affection from other people, in fact I wish that would stop because it is horribly distracting. I just need to accept God's affection and start letting it reflect in myself.
.....I have no idea how to do this. It is hard for me to comprehend it even..the thought of allowing that.
I don't hate myself, I just think I am so unworthy of everything-- because I am.
....I don't know how to change this
\: crap.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Questions smeshtions
I'm pretty sure Worship was the shortest chapter, and I highlighted a whole friggin bunch...
then I accidentally kept reading and so I had to make myself stop and go back and read again so I can figure stuff out.
I'm starting to be okay with the whole "you're never going to understand this"....
first of all- God is too great to fully understand, I'm fine with that. I'd rather him be that than something I can comprehend. ...it is like the mystic part to faith, you have to have it or there is nothing to strive to believe in. If I know all of the answers then what is the point?
I want to be inspired to believe in something, having questions is good- within reason....too many questions on my part was kind of messing things up for me.
I'm learning the good amount- I like it this way best anyway.
now- the last bit of the chapter I never got a chance to read.
Don makes a dead poets society reference: blah blah blah "poetry is not algebra, not songs on American Bandstand that can be rated on a scale from one to ten, but rather they are pieces of art that plunge the depths of the heart to stir vigor in young men and woo women"
...Too much of our time is spent trying to chart God on a grid, and too little is spent allowing our hearts to feel awe.
^^^ accepting that I wont fully get God is fantastic, I am perfectly okay with that. Finally.
"There are things you cannot understand, and you must learn to live with this. Not only must you learn to live with this, you must learn to enjoy this"
I pretty much got smacked with this realization after reading the next two chapters- but coming back and seeing what I had highlighted and thought while I was reading helped me to get all of this a lot easier.
then I accidentally kept reading and so I had to make myself stop and go back and read again so I can figure stuff out.
I'm starting to be okay with the whole "you're never going to understand this"....
first of all- God is too great to fully understand, I'm fine with that. I'd rather him be that than something I can comprehend. ...it is like the mystic part to faith, you have to have it or there is nothing to strive to believe in. If I know all of the answers then what is the point?
I want to be inspired to believe in something, having questions is good- within reason....too many questions on my part was kind of messing things up for me.
I'm learning the good amount- I like it this way best anyway.
now- the last bit of the chapter I never got a chance to read.
Don makes a dead poets society reference: blah blah blah "poetry is not algebra, not songs on American Bandstand that can be rated on a scale from one to ten, but rather they are pieces of art that plunge the depths of the heart to stir vigor in young men and woo women"
...Too much of our time is spent trying to chart God on a grid, and too little is spent allowing our hearts to feel awe.
^^^ accepting that I wont fully get God is fantastic, I am perfectly okay with that. Finally.
"There are things you cannot understand, and you must learn to live with this. Not only must you learn to live with this, you must learn to enjoy this"
I pretty much got smacked with this realization after reading the next two chapters- but coming back and seeing what I had highlighted and thought while I was reading helped me to get all of this a lot easier.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
Apologies
....if anyone still reads this blog- sorry I have taken so long to get to the last few chapters.
I literally have 30 pages left to read.
I just don't have the book right now :\
it'll happen :)
soon.
I literally have 30 pages left to read.
I just don't have the book right now :\
it'll happen :)
soon.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Stare At The Sun
So, one of the hardest things for me to accept is not fully grasping things.
....Oh man I don't ever make sense.
In any case, I mean to say- I need to stop being uncomfortable with not understanding the fullness of God- because I never will.
Funny, as I was reading this chapter I was listening to Mutemath, their song "Stare At The Sun" has a line in it:
"Maybe we don't need to know any more than we have to- and we stare at the sun, but we never see anything there"
We have to understand God is that he is love, he is good, he knows everything, and he is all and in all.
That is enough to keep our hearts on him.
I was talking to some friends about this and asked how they are comfortable with the idea of not fully knowing everything about God- because to me that is a hard thing to accept. One friend said "It's comforting knowing that God knows everything, so I don't have to"
If I think about it that way- it is kind of peaceful. He is taking care of things- I don't need to, I just need to obey him.
... Literally I feel like there is a weight that's been lifted from my chest.
Anxiety is a big thing I struggle with- I worry about almost everything that I can.
I realize how ridiculous this is- recently I've been pretty good about noticing it...I just have to learn to accept things and be okay.
That is probably going to be the hardest thing for me to overcome.
....Oh man I don't ever make sense.
In any case, I mean to say- I need to stop being uncomfortable with not understanding the fullness of God- because I never will.
Funny, as I was reading this chapter I was listening to Mutemath, their song "Stare At The Sun" has a line in it:
"Maybe we don't need to know any more than we have to- and we stare at the sun, but we never see anything there"
We have to understand God is that he is love, he is good, he knows everything, and he is all and in all.
That is enough to keep our hearts on him.
I was talking to some friends about this and asked how they are comfortable with the idea of not fully knowing everything about God- because to me that is a hard thing to accept. One friend said "It's comforting knowing that God knows everything, so I don't have to"
If I think about it that way- it is kind of peaceful. He is taking care of things- I don't need to, I just need to obey him.
... Literally I feel like there is a weight that's been lifted from my chest.
Anxiety is a big thing I struggle with- I worry about almost everything that I can.
I realize how ridiculous this is- recently I've been pretty good about noticing it...I just have to learn to accept things and be okay.
That is probably going to be the hardest thing for me to overcome.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Really Fast....it's 8am
If anyone reads this and prays- pray for me to have peace of mind.
There is a lot of intense stuff going on in my life- I feel like I'm going to lose it.
I know I wont, but the feeling alone hurts.
....I only have a few chapters left to read- I'm trying to put it off.
I love this book- I don't want it to end.
iit's one of THOSE books.
There is a lot of intense stuff going on in my life- I feel like I'm going to lose it.
I know I wont, but the feeling alone hurts.
....I only have a few chapters left to read- I'm trying to put it off.
I love this book- I don't want it to end.
iit's one of THOSE books.
Friday, March 2, 2012
Being alone isn't possible
So, this chapter couldn't have come at a better time.
I normally read in my room, or the library, or starbucks...with no one else around that I can talk to or get distracted with.
So, I am kind of alone- but I don't feel alone.
Today- I was alone. I was completely and utterly alone.
I had some image testing done for some stuff, and it is always scary- but this time I went in thinking "it is never anything bad- so it wont be this time, I'm fine- the doctor just wants to recheck everything"
Today one of the images was really weird. The shape was off, and that isn't normal.
I've never noticed it before- and we never looked at the side it was on because I've never had problems in the past.
So today, I was scared. Then they told me I had to wait. I was in a huge room, by myself, for an hour.
All I had was my journal and blue like jazz.
I'm so glad.
This chapter is literally titled Alone (and the chapter after is community, then money- I read all three while I was waiting for my images to be checked)...two of them kinda fit together (alone and community)
....Before I started to read I was feeling totally alone and scared- I couldn't talk to anyone except my notebook.
After I read for a little I started laughing to myself- I was in my own personal hell- being alone.
I am going to shorten this a lot....simple and good.
God made us to interact with each other, we cannot live correctly without being able to do so.
God is love.
God shows us his love in the people he places in our lives, in the people we interact with.
We need interaction with other people to be mentally healthy, physically, emotionally....(think about it....okay)
So- ..transitive a little bit----- we need love. or we cannot survive in this world.
Being alone is impossible because you can't see that love by yourself.
....the end.
Also- the community chapter had a basis in this- along with my whole interactions/actions thing. I'm trying to work on.
Also--- I need to be more selfless
"If we are not willing to wake up in the morning and die to ourselves, perhaps we should ask ourselves whether or not we are really following Jesus."
..... Give your whole self away- it isn't yours anyway.
(only in good ways...please...lol)
Yeah- this chapter was perfect timing. Every chapter seems to be perfect timing.
Also- the lady in the room next to me found out she was having a son...which was pretty adorable to hear her reaction.
I am still scared- but I'm going to be okay. I am not alone. I have love.
I normally read in my room, or the library, or starbucks...with no one else around that I can talk to or get distracted with.
So, I am kind of alone- but I don't feel alone.
Today- I was alone. I was completely and utterly alone.
I had some image testing done for some stuff, and it is always scary- but this time I went in thinking "it is never anything bad- so it wont be this time, I'm fine- the doctor just wants to recheck everything"
Today one of the images was really weird. The shape was off, and that isn't normal.
I've never noticed it before- and we never looked at the side it was on because I've never had problems in the past.
So today, I was scared. Then they told me I had to wait. I was in a huge room, by myself, for an hour.
All I had was my journal and blue like jazz.
I'm so glad.
This chapter is literally titled Alone (and the chapter after is community, then money- I read all three while I was waiting for my images to be checked)...two of them kinda fit together (alone and community)
....Before I started to read I was feeling totally alone and scared- I couldn't talk to anyone except my notebook.
After I read for a little I started laughing to myself- I was in my own personal hell- being alone.
I am going to shorten this a lot....simple and good.
God made us to interact with each other, we cannot live correctly without being able to do so.
God is love.
God shows us his love in the people he places in our lives, in the people we interact with.
We need interaction with other people to be mentally healthy, physically, emotionally....(think about it....okay)
So- ..transitive a little bit----- we need love. or we cannot survive in this world.
Being alone is impossible because you can't see that love by yourself.
....the end.
Also- the community chapter had a basis in this- along with my whole interactions/actions thing. I'm trying to work on.
Also--- I need to be more selfless
"If we are not willing to wake up in the morning and die to ourselves, perhaps we should ask ourselves whether or not we are really following Jesus."
..... Give your whole self away- it isn't yours anyway.
(only in good ways...please...lol)
Yeah- this chapter was perfect timing. Every chapter seems to be perfect timing.
Also- the lady in the room next to me found out she was having a son...which was pretty adorable to hear her reaction.
I am still scared- but I'm going to be okay. I am not alone. I have love.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Can I have this chance to be your little Romance?
I'm pretty sure I have not laughed so hard- for quite some time.
Lemme tell you, this was one dang stressful week.
....it's been an emotional hurricane....with 100 foot waves smacking me in the face left and right.
I am SO glad I made it to this chapter today.
13- Romance: Meeting Girls is Easy.
I am going to try to relay as many of my thoughts as I can- but I wrote five pages in my notebook, which is the most I've written on any of the chapters.
He starts off talking about his different friends- and their views on dating/relationships...I kinda just chuckled at every single one and how ridiculous they were especially the
"I know you shouldn't make fun of a girl on a date and you shouldn't eat spaghetti"
---I love spaghetti, so I guess dating is out of the question for me.. :(
DIGRESS.... pretty much, the importance of a healthy relationship was discussed in this chapter.
I've come to realize, this is a lot more important than I've ever thought about. Looking back- I suck at this.
"...though we had everything in common we could not connect in the soul"
^
Wow, just that statement alone is SO important to understand, like REALLY understand. It doesn't matter how much you and your significant other like pizza and chapstick and watching clouds- if you guys can't connect on a spiritual level, you're doomed. Or at least, doomed to not be as happy and healthy as you possibly could be.
*This entire post is my opinion and what I've taken from the chapter...just like every single other post I've made. If you don't agree, read the chapter yourself and form your own opinions :D
Okay, so anyway. The idea of marriage to me- it is so beautiful. Not the whole "oh white wedding dress, get married, have flowers in your hair" ...I mean the idea, that for the rest of your life- you get to spend every single day with the one other person on this earth that knows you better than anyone else (on this world)...and still accepts you for you. You can completely be yourself, and they can do the same..and you love them anyway, and they love you...
How lucky am I going to be one day?
To find one other human that I can connect with on a million different levels, someone that will help me grow, and will support my very being, and God's love for me will be reflected in so much what he does.......like...alskdjfhas AHH my mind is blown.
Okay, so- towards the end he talks about how you learn how you are lovable from other people. The love that his friend has in his marriage helps his friend to better interact with God- because he can see that love that God has for him through his wife...pretty much...okay...I totally agree with that.
My only thing is (and I wrote this in my notebook) ...Shouldn't you see God's love in yourself first...as completely as you can?
I feel like you can't really fully see God's love in someone else until you see God's love in your own heart.
Now, maybe I'm wrong...I'm sure I could see God's love in other people when I didn't really accept his love in my life.
But still...I can see it so much better now that I am starting to embrace the love (that makes me sound like a hippie...yesssssss)
Maybe I'm just being selfish, but...I am getting that much from this chapter
I need to have God's love in my heart to start REALLY seeing it in others, his love teaches me how to love, and how to accept love.
Also, one day- when I get married...it is going to be awesome (hopefully) ...
This chapter cheered me up a lot, today was rough...I needed a hug, verbal hug from blue like jazz? perfection.
Lemme tell you, this was one dang stressful week.
....it's been an emotional hurricane....with 100 foot waves smacking me in the face left and right.
I am SO glad I made it to this chapter today.
13- Romance: Meeting Girls is Easy.
I am going to try to relay as many of my thoughts as I can- but I wrote five pages in my notebook, which is the most I've written on any of the chapters.
He starts off talking about his different friends- and their views on dating/relationships...I kinda just chuckled at every single one and how ridiculous they were especially the
"I know you shouldn't make fun of a girl on a date and you shouldn't eat spaghetti"
---I love spaghetti, so I guess dating is out of the question for me.. :(
DIGRESS.... pretty much, the importance of a healthy relationship was discussed in this chapter.
I've come to realize, this is a lot more important than I've ever thought about. Looking back- I suck at this.
"...though we had everything in common we could not connect in the soul"
^
Wow, just that statement alone is SO important to understand, like REALLY understand. It doesn't matter how much you and your significant other like pizza and chapstick and watching clouds- if you guys can't connect on a spiritual level, you're doomed. Or at least, doomed to not be as happy and healthy as you possibly could be.
*This entire post is my opinion and what I've taken from the chapter...just like every single other post I've made. If you don't agree, read the chapter yourself and form your own opinions :D
Okay, so anyway. The idea of marriage to me- it is so beautiful. Not the whole "oh white wedding dress, get married, have flowers in your hair" ...I mean the idea, that for the rest of your life- you get to spend every single day with the one other person on this earth that knows you better than anyone else (on this world)...and still accepts you for you. You can completely be yourself, and they can do the same..and you love them anyway, and they love you...
How lucky am I going to be one day?
To find one other human that I can connect with on a million different levels, someone that will help me grow, and will support my very being, and God's love for me will be reflected in so much what he does.......like...alskdjfhas AHH my mind is blown.
Okay, so- towards the end he talks about how you learn how you are lovable from other people. The love that his friend has in his marriage helps his friend to better interact with God- because he can see that love that God has for him through his wife...pretty much...okay...I totally agree with that.
My only thing is (and I wrote this in my notebook) ...Shouldn't you see God's love in yourself first...as completely as you can?
I feel like you can't really fully see God's love in someone else until you see God's love in your own heart.
Now, maybe I'm wrong...I'm sure I could see God's love in other people when I didn't really accept his love in my life.
But still...I can see it so much better now that I am starting to embrace the love (that makes me sound like a hippie...yesssssss)
Maybe I'm just being selfish, but...I am getting that much from this chapter
I need to have God's love in my heart to start REALLY seeing it in others, his love teaches me how to love, and how to accept love.
Also, one day- when I get married...it is going to be awesome (hopefully) ...
This chapter cheered me up a lot, today was rough...I needed a hug, verbal hug from blue like jazz? perfection.
I need my community.
I don't really mean literally, but I kinda do I guess.
I talked with my friend about this on Sunday, although I grew up in the church that I was (at the time) standing in, it wasn't where my heart was.
I don't know where my heart is.
I need to find out what church I can go to- and actually grow in.
I need to get over my problems with fabic, because- that isn't fair.
Okay...that was short...sorry, but it was as simple as that.
I talked with my friend about this on Sunday, although I grew up in the church that I was (at the time) standing in, it wasn't where my heart was.
I don't know where my heart is.
I need to find out what church I can go to- and actually grow in.
I need to get over my problems with fabic, because- that isn't fair.
Okay...that was short...sorry, but it was as simple as that.
I don't know what to take away.- 11
For the first time reading this book, I have no idea what I'm supposed to get from this chapter.
He talks about "coming out of the closet" in a religious way...they (his friends and himself) apologized to the non-Christian members of the school they went to--and people really loved that.
They apologized for everything Christians had ever done wrong, and everything they professed but didn't live.
.....I am kinda mad at myself right now.
I don't know what to say. My mind isn't working...I am going to try to read this chapter again
I hope it works...
I just can't think.
___________________________________
...seriously, I don't get it.
I still need to work on coming out of my spiritual closet I guess. I talk to everyone about it now
I think- my thing is- no one will talk back.
and today someone even shut me down about it.
I think that is really affecting me. Like- I am mentally distressed. no lie.
Why is it so hard for us to talk about what is on our hearts? What is in our minds? Why do we fight everything that is difficult? We just keep passing through life like it is our little gift and we can do whatever we want.
We can't, this isn't how life works- sorry. I'm learning this. You have HUGE consequences when you live your life how you want to.
..Wimps. We are wimps.
I am a wimp.
Hiding and pretending there isn't something bigger than you isn't possible. Eventually you realize this.
Sorry, there is no way that humans are just here and we have just always been here- that we came from some explosion in the galaxy and all of humankind grew from an Amoeba ....
Now, believe what you want, but I think there is something greater than us out there.
In my heart-- I cannot get it out of my mind--- in my shell of a stupid human flawed body, I know....there is something bigger than me.
I don't think any of this was talked about in the chapter...I just can't get it off of my mind, I'm so frustrated today...I'm not trying to force anything on anyone, understand that if you don't get anything else please.....I'm doing this for me, I want to know..I need to know that I have faith and meaning for something.
I don't get it. I will never get it. I will never understand anything-- only that I am here, I am doing what is placed on my heart...as best as I can, and I feel like I'm always going to fail at it, and yet, even though I suck, I will still be loved.
I don't deserve this. He is too good for me.
He talks about "coming out of the closet" in a religious way...they (his friends and himself) apologized to the non-Christian members of the school they went to--and people really loved that.
They apologized for everything Christians had ever done wrong, and everything they professed but didn't live.
.....I am kinda mad at myself right now.
I don't know what to say. My mind isn't working...I am going to try to read this chapter again
I hope it works...
I just can't think.
___________________________________
...seriously, I don't get it.
I still need to work on coming out of my spiritual closet I guess. I talk to everyone about it now
I think- my thing is- no one will talk back.
and today someone even shut me down about it.
I think that is really affecting me. Like- I am mentally distressed. no lie.
Why is it so hard for us to talk about what is on our hearts? What is in our minds? Why do we fight everything that is difficult? We just keep passing through life like it is our little gift and we can do whatever we want.
We can't, this isn't how life works- sorry. I'm learning this. You have HUGE consequences when you live your life how you want to.
..Wimps. We are wimps.
I am a wimp.
Hiding and pretending there isn't something bigger than you isn't possible. Eventually you realize this.
Sorry, there is no way that humans are just here and we have just always been here- that we came from some explosion in the galaxy and all of humankind grew from an Amoeba ....
Now, believe what you want, but I think there is something greater than us out there.
In my heart-- I cannot get it out of my mind--- in my shell of a stupid human flawed body, I know....there is something bigger than me.
I don't think any of this was talked about in the chapter...I just can't get it off of my mind, I'm so frustrated today...I'm not trying to force anything on anyone, understand that if you don't get anything else please.....I'm doing this for me, I want to know..I need to know that I have faith and meaning for something.
I don't get it. I will never get it. I will never understand anything-- only that I am here, I am doing what is placed on my heart...as best as I can, and I feel like I'm always going to fail at it, and yet, even though I suck, I will still be loved.
I don't deserve this. He is too good for me.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)