So, I only read a few pages of chapter three, since I am going to church soon- for the first time in a long long time.
This chapter made me feel so guilty. At least, so far. I'm having a really hard time accepting how wrong I've been for so long. I'm doing it, but boy, it hurts.
The stories made me laugh, but then after I thought about it more the magic part hit me...then he said something that hurt. (talking about a pastor just being a salesman for God)
"and, honestly, I felt as though he was trying to convince himself, as though he only half believed what he was saying."
Now, I know when I was a part of the church, I wasn't a pastor. BUT I led small groups, I sang on the worship team on Sunday mornings, and Wednesdays I led worship.
How much of that time was just me trying to convince myself? I feel like I went on like that for too long. I just tried to convince myself to believe something that I wasn't sure of- and I couldn't. Nonetheless I pretended I was to everyone else.
The guilt just crashed on me like a huge 100 foot wave. I don't know what I'm holding on to right now though- maybe just hope that I can be forgiven. That's like leading sheep to slaughter. I know, because I seemed like it people weren't led astray. To me though, that isn't the point. The point was- I was lying, a huge big deal lie.
I am humbled right now, I hope I can be forgiven for this. I hope the people that learned from me, learn from my mistakes. --my many, many mistakes.
Not sure if this is where I should comment but here goes. Michelle, I forgive you. I love your honest and humble reflection and articulation of it all. I am so proud of you for your willingness to to take an open and honest look at your Journey. I am cheering for you all the way!!
ReplyDeletethanks shannon! ....I appreciate it.
ReplyDeleteIt is kind of earth shattering.
First: Break down everything. EVERYTHING.
Then: build it back up, better than ever before.
The building is never going to end.
Michelle, as I read this I can't help reflecting on my own "tearing down" and building up times (17 years, 21 yrs old, 25,30, 35,40..) it never stops, because God is in the process of wholly remaking us, and we are incredibly like onions, with layers and layers of structurally unsound material that the Master-builder needs to replace with eternally lasting and life-giving materials.Be encouraged and be brave- there are tens of millions of fellow journey takers who are walking with you, or cheering you on as you pass each other on the road at different speeds and at different times...Godspeed surrogate daughter :)
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